The Aesthetics of Loserdom
Reader, something terrible has happened to you. You've just given your life savings to a passing tarmac-ing gang who promptly disappeared. You've signed up for a timeshare in Belarus for six squidillion pounds a year. The local hospital has accidentally removed your arsehole and won't be able to put it right for seven years. You've been swindled by a ten year old scratter pretending to be the gas man. You live in East Hull.
Whatever it is, the local TV news crew is on its way round. They've spotted a perfect method to rile up their viewers and you're going to be the star. Only thing is, when they get there, you'll most likely be over the worst part of your upset. After all, it was almost two months ago, and they took six weeks to reply to your letter. They need to show that you're still in pain every waking minute of the day, still left slack-jawed and dumbfounded by your inexhaustible misfortune. They need to make you look tragic. How can they make you look like a victim for the camera?
Well, in the TV news and current affairs style book, there's one easy way: They're going to have you make a cup of tea. As a concerned reporter tells your pathetic tale of woe, we're going to watch footage of you filling the kettle from the tap. As he explains your decent and trusting nature, you're going to shuffle back to the worktop with kettle and put it on. As he goes over your war service and/or voluntary work, we'll cut to the kettle coming to the boil and turning itself off. As he takes us through the jarring tragedy of whatever befell you, you'll fill your lonely mug. As he tells us about your sleepless nights and panic attacks, you'll slowly and methodically stir your tea. Then you'll shuffle off to your lonely armchair, and set down your tea, and maybe look over a photo of yourself before you were such a fucking loser.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's what you'll be if a director ever asks to film you making tea. When you were threatening your wrongdoer that you'd get the press involved, what you didn't realise that it would cost you your self-respect. For in the imagination-free world of TV news, there's no easier way to codify a loser than to show them making tea. If your spouse is making the tea with you, then you'll look like the most pathetic specimens on telly that week. In TV land, you'll have been forgotten in about the same amount of time it takes for the kettle to boil. But your neighbours will have much longer memories...
Don't worry though - it could be worse. If a director ever asks to film you feeding ducks, then you may as well be dead.
Whatever it is, the local TV news crew is on its way round. They've spotted a perfect method to rile up their viewers and you're going to be the star. Only thing is, when they get there, you'll most likely be over the worst part of your upset. After all, it was almost two months ago, and they took six weeks to reply to your letter. They need to show that you're still in pain every waking minute of the day, still left slack-jawed and dumbfounded by your inexhaustible misfortune. They need to make you look tragic. How can they make you look like a victim for the camera?
Well, in the TV news and current affairs style book, there's one easy way: They're going to have you make a cup of tea. As a concerned reporter tells your pathetic tale of woe, we're going to watch footage of you filling the kettle from the tap. As he explains your decent and trusting nature, you're going to shuffle back to the worktop with kettle and put it on. As he goes over your war service and/or voluntary work, we'll cut to the kettle coming to the boil and turning itself off. As he takes us through the jarring tragedy of whatever befell you, you'll fill your lonely mug. As he tells us about your sleepless nights and panic attacks, you'll slowly and methodically stir your tea. Then you'll shuffle off to your lonely armchair, and set down your tea, and maybe look over a photo of yourself before you were such a fucking loser.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but that's what you'll be if a director ever asks to film you making tea. When you were threatening your wrongdoer that you'd get the press involved, what you didn't realise that it would cost you your self-respect. For in the imagination-free world of TV news, there's no easier way to codify a loser than to show them making tea. If your spouse is making the tea with you, then you'll look like the most pathetic specimens on telly that week. In TV land, you'll have been forgotten in about the same amount of time it takes for the kettle to boil. But your neighbours will have much longer memories...
Don't worry though - it could be worse. If a director ever asks to film you feeding ducks, then you may as well be dead.
posted by Stephen Beckett at 1:29 PM
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