Obituary: My fucking phone

My Nokia 8310 mobile phone passed away on the 11h December 2005 after a short illness. It was well known in the world of Stevie Bee for its compact size, ability to send text messages, and for switching itself off whenever it was placed in a pocket.

Its career in communications began in 2001 when it left the Nokia factory in Finland (or possibly a sweatshop in the Philipines - I can't be arsed to look into it), along with thousands of its contemporaries, whereupon it lay in a warehouse somewhere in the UK until it was palmed off onto an unsuspecting Orange customer who was two years overdue an upgrade.

Amongst its striking features were a backlight, various ringtones and a ridiculous snowboarding game that was about as easy to comprehend as the appeal of Sudoku. After being unlocked in 2003, the phone saw active duty in Australia and then India, where it spent one night underwater when a hotel room flooded.

The funeral procession will leave for a kitchen worktop at eight o'clock this evening, where it will be hit numerous times with a hammer. Its remains will then conducted to my bedroom window, and from there they will be thrown into the Regent's Canal.

The phone is survived by a landline, three email accounts and a letterbox.

Stevie B's fucking Nokia fucking 8310
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