All Americans Are Gay (Except for One, Who Was Just Me Pretending)

Remember in the last post I mentioned about an email I'd once got that was intended for someone else? Well, fuck it, I might as well tell you about it now.

Once upon a time, I had a hotmail account. It used to get lots of spam, and lots of shit, and lots of stuff that I wanted that got sent straight to the junkmail folder, but one bored morning, I arrived to work to find an email addressed to a Stephen Beckett, but it was for a different Stephen Beckett than the Stephen Beckett that's me. This one lived in America somewhere. (Note - by now, a lot of you will realise that you've heard this story before. Feel free to run along. I'll catch you next time.)

The email went along the lines of: "Hey, dude. How's your summer vacation going? Me and pop haved nearly fished all the trout out of the lake, and I'm doing plenty of swimming! Well, must get going - me and pop are going to take the boat out! Catch you later, Jim."

I paraphrase slightly, but that was the jist. When the above landed in my inbox, I quickly realised our American friend had got the wrong Stephen J - I'm quick off the mark like that, see. I also quickly realised that I could have some fun. I hit reply and started typing...

"Hey, Jim.

Your old pal Stephen here. I'm having a great summer thanks, though things are a little crazy!

You see, when I got back home, I decided it was time to come out of the closet and tell people that I'm gay. Most people have been really great, my friends especially, but some people have been jerks, but I suppose that's their problem really.

Anyway, I'm glad you're having a good summer. Keep in touch,

Stephen"

I typed this reply and sent it off, not expecting to hear anything more about it. It was a shot in the dark more than anything. However, next day, I had, in amongst the usual hotmail inbox detritus, there was a shiny new reply from Jim. It went something like:

"Hi Stephen,

Wow! That's pretty crazy! Well, whatever floats your boat, man!

What did Lisa say about it though?

Jim"

I couldn't believe my luck. Pure gold. It was like randomly throwing a pint glass over your shoulder and hitting someone off Hollyoaks. I couldn't reply quick enough....

"Hi Jim,

Thanks for being understading, because I know it's hard for some people to accept. Lisa was great about it. We're just friends now (unless she can grow a dick, that is... ha ha!)

I sort of had to admit that I was gay when I got a boyfriend. He's called Brad, and he's a great guy and I know you'll like him. He reminds me a bit of you.

Anyway, speak to you soon,

Stephen
x"

I'd upped the ante, and a reply wasn't as forthcoming as had previously been. I thought I must have pushed it too far, but two days later, there it was... 1 new message:

"Hi Stephen,

Well, that's great that you're with someone. I don't mind that at all, as long as you're enjoying yourself. Does that mean Lisa's available now ha ha?

See ya,

Jim"

Get in! Here I was fundamentally altering the relationship between two American teens, and I was loving it. Well, sort of. I was starting to feel a bit guilty about it, truth be told... But not so guilty that I didn't immediately blast off the following response:

"Hi Jim,

Yes, Lisa's avaiable. I'll put in a good word for you. I'll tell her what a great guy you are, and so sweet and understanding too.

I can't wait for you to meet Brad. I know we'll all get on so well. Have you met anyone special over summer?

Stephen
xxx"

From this point forward, the tone of our emails changed. They became less frequent from Jim's end, and more graphic from mine. I think I was coming on a bit too strong for him. All the talk of my imaginary sex life with Brad, combined with (frankly needy) come-ons and flattery were pushing the bounds of Stephen and Jim's friendship too far. I was taking things too fast, when Jim really needed some time and space to adjust to Stephen's new lifestyle. Jim did try to tell Stephen this, but I think he felt a little alienated. Emails four to seven were just a few short lines, and were taking longer and longer to arrive.

It got to the point where I'd waited seven days, and hadn't heard from Jim. What was wrong with him? Why wouldn't he write me?! Was it something I'd said?! The wait was killing me. I'd come on too strong and he'd got scared. Now he wasn't speaking to me. What was I to do?!

Well, reader, I'm afraid that I was compelled to do the decent thing and 'fess up.

I know, I know - if I was made of stronger stuff, I'd have asked Jim for all our friend's email addresses and spread the message a little futher, but I'm only human, damn it. I wrote and told him:

"Hi Jim

Stephen here. I'm afraid I'm a different Stephen Beckett to the one you think I am. The one that you know hasn't really been enjoying man-love with Brad all summer. In fact, there isn't even a Brad. And even if there was one, he and Stephen would probably just be friends.

See, Stephen's not gay. You've not really been emailing him all summer. You've been emailing me, and I've been responding as your friend Stephen rather than the real Stephen (i.e. me, though from your point of view, the real Stephen is the one that's not me, but I'm sure you follow...). Why? For a laugh. Sorry if I've caused any confusion.

May I say that the way you've responded to your friends imaginary choice of lifestyle is admirable. Stephen needs friends like you, especially at a time like this, and you were there when it mattered. God bless you.

Enjoy the rest of your summer,

Stephen. (The real one.) (I think)."

And reader, do you know, he didn't even reply to say thank you? Shocking.

Anyway, that just about does her for now.

Laters,

Stephen
x